July 2005
50th Anniversary -- Take Two, PTOC -- Cease and Desist, Jungle Cruise Blunder, Animation Comeback, The Big Move, InsidEar Mailbag

Dear Readers,

July will be an awesome month for Disneyland certainly the biggest summer season since the opening of Toontown! Several important events are happening at Disneyland this month so grab yourself a big bucket of "little chicken" and an umbrella (in case the sky starts falling). And a special thanks to all of our readers the numbers keeps growing -- thanks for your support. Feel free to use our "Contact Form" to let us know how we are doing and to keep us posted of behind the scenes news and events so we can report them here.

The InsidEar

50th Anniversary -- Take Two

	Michael Eisner's brilliant new book is now available in bookstores everywhere, and his sending us a free copy barely influenced the content of this month's report.

PTOC -- Cease and Desist letter from the American Dietetic Association.

The below letter was leaked to InsidEar's covert e-mail box:

Dear Walt Disney Company,

It has been brought to our attention here at American Dietetic Association that you actively promote the misuse of edibles at several points in Disneyland's A Pirate in the Caribbean [sic] attraction. The American Dietetic Association prides itself on forcing good health practices on the American public, and our vast, country-wide network of Dietitians will take immediate action if these violations are not addressed in a prompt, courteous, and deferential manner!

Specifically:

Violation #1: At one point in the ride, an overweight woman is presented as an object of scorn and mockery. This is potentially permanently damaging to the self image of overweight women. Suggested action: replace this figure with something less stereotypical, such as fitness consultant Jack LaLane.

Violation #2: Recent additions to this attraction include a pirate chasing a young woman who is holding a tray of food. This depiction is immoral and reprehensible. While we commend the fact that the food tray contains a selection of fruits and vegetables, we are strictly against the depiction of food as a reward. Children that have been rewarded with food throughout their lives tend to be overweight and in poor health. Suggested action: remove these food trays at once and find some other reason for a pirate to be chasing the young lady.

Violation #3: Since the mid '70's this attraction has glorified drunkenness and debauchery. We find this contrary the healthy lifestyle we dictate for all Americans. We also find this theme unsuitable for children of all ages. The American people will never stand for this type of display! Suggested action: close down the ride immediately and replace it with one that better appeals to our sensibilities, such as a journey through the human digestive system.

Although these are merely suggestions, if you do not take them to heart the American Dietetic Association cannot be held responsible if an army of dietitians invades your so-called "theme park" armed with rolling pins, frying pans, and rotten tomatoes.

Sincerely,

Leila Squidplucker
American Dietetic Association,
Food Police Division

P.S. One of our researchers noted that the pirates' flamboyant costumes make them appear "sort of gay." We have sent notice of this to GLAD.

Jungle Cruise Blunder

Cast Member Francis Dorchester will never forget her first day as a Jungle Cruise guide last Monday. Nervous and painfully aware she had floundered during the deliver of her aging, scripted jokes, she accidentally grabbed the boat's emergency flare gun and blew a flaming-red hole the fiberglass forehead off of a menacing hippo. And if that wasn't enough, she was so shaken that she not only blew the "back side of water" joke and proceeded to ram her boat at full speed through the falls (soaking the guests), crash through the Styrofoam "rock" wall, and finally come to a stop into the back of the Main Street Emporium.  Fortunately no one was injured and most Emporium shoppers thought this was just part of the 50th anniversary show.

Dorchester has had the cost of the Jungle Cruise repairs deducted from her pay and been transferred to the Storybook Land Canal Boats.

Animation Comeback

Disney Animation executives have completed years of research into the current state of feature animation and come to a surprising conclusion: It wasn't that audiences didn't like to watch traditionally animated movies, they were just too expensive to produce. Research has shown that a new technique from Japan called Anime could create significant savings in the production of feature-length animated films. For example, while the now-unemployed Disney animators drew 10 frames for each second of film, anime artist only draw 2-3 frames. Who needs every twitch of an eyebrow or subtle body movements when really it's storytelling that makes or breaks a cartoon? All audiences really need is a splash of color here, a two-frame run cycle there. Under this new system formerly difficult things like character dialog becomes child's play -- "Mouth Open", "Mouth Closed," what could be simpler then that? With a 75% reduction in development costs freeing up more funds for omnipresent advertising, these new films are bound to be a hit.

The Big Move

The original Disneyland theme park will be relocating to the "Four Corners" USA (the intersection of Utah, Colorado, Arizona, and New Mexico, not necessarily in that order). This location was selected because it already had a circular roadway that will become the new Disneyland hub. This move will eliminate all of those recently troubling AQMD restrictions and solve other Anaheim-related problems such as traffic congestion, complaining neighbors, smog days, and California's recent fascination with torrential rain.

A Disney spokesperson reports, "The benefits of this move are simply amazing. With no noise or smog restrictions we can shoot off the 'extra special' fireworks that we've had to keep under wraps for more than a decade. The Mark Twain can go back to more authentic coal power and blow it's massive steam whistle every time it leaves port at all hours of the day or night! We will have the freedom to make as much noise and smoke as we want. Other benefits include a thinning of the ranks of annual passholders (since they will be left in Southern California, hehehehe...) with a subsequent reduction in crowds and annoying complaints about 'what Walt would do.' We are looking forward to a less crowded, more relaxed atmosphere in the park."  

Jay Rascal the head of Walt Disney Attractions, is thrilled that not only will the park be located in three states at the same time but also New Mexico. Park management is pleased to be working closely with this, in their words, "foreign country" and are planning to offer bilingual signs (in English and French) throughout the park. DL officials have made repeated attempts to contact the New Mexican embassy so that the road can be cleared for American guests to obtain passports and the necessary documentation to legally enjoy the east side of Main Street, and Tomorrowland (which will be located in New Mexican Territory).

The move will commence on July 16, 2006 immediately following the closing ceremonies of the 50th anniversary celebration.

UPS was awarded the contract to move the entire park to it's new location. "It's not as hard as most people think" explained a UPS spokeswoman, "We are not going to move the buildings only the items inside of them. When it comes right down to it Disneyland is mostly empty space." 

In an unprecedented move the entire American arm of UPS will be shut down for a week so that resources can be concentrated on the move. All of the delivery trucks will meet in Anaheim to be filled with bits and pieces of Disneyland. From there they will form a single-file convoy that will be unloaded fire-brigade style upon reaching its destination, with a whole team of Disneyland executives poised to sign for each of the hundreds of thousands of individual packages. While it will be costly and inconvenient to shut down UPS for a whole week, the advertising value is priceless. Said one UPS employees, "Take that, FedEx!"

Behind the Ears

Two obviously new cast members were spotted last Friday at the Inn Between restaurant (which sits behind the Carnation Inn and is open to employees only). The were busy comparing what seemed to be their very first paychecks when one of them exclaimed, "The took out for Medicare and I don't even get Medicare!" Sorry guys, you may work in Fantasyland, but you still have to live in Realityland!

InsidEar Interview

InsidEar will be interviewed in the Fall 2005 issue of Disney magazine! There will be a complete in-depth look at how the InsidEar manages to elude Disney security staff as he seeks to explore the Inside Secrets of Disneyland and DCA!

Mailbag

Dear Pedro,

Thank you so much for your letter unfortunately I do not understand Spanish(?) but I do appreciate hearing from my adoring fans. The best I can make out is that you love taking your "kiddies" to Disneyland and the "InsidEar" is your favorite source for up-to-date information on the theme park. Oh yes, that last line practically brings a tear to my eye it is just so sweet that your "kiddies" want to grow up to be macho just like your hero -- "The InsidEar". Pedro, for being such a nice guy the InsidEar is going to send you a coupon book filled with free passes to the Disneyland Railroad. Just hand a coupon to the conductor and he will let you and your family ride on the train for free as long as you want to. I wish I had more fans like you. You would not believe some of the mail that I get!

Sincerely,
The InsidEar

Dear Crystal,

The entertainment staff started out with a clever idea of having magician David Copperfield make the castle "Disappear" when the curtain was dropped but this special effect was plagued with technical problems. First the two mirrors to be used were absolutely enormous and had to be airlifted in place (they were to act like a periscope looking over the top of the castle seemingly making it invisible). During the trials the day before, the effect worked nearly perfect but the heat generated was melting the tip of the Matterhorn (now four feet shorter then it was.) Also that very morning David Copperfield was knocked off of the stage and attacked by a non-audioanimatronic tiger which was being used to promote the new Jungle Cruise. And to top all off all of this Michael Eisner himself was enraged at the possibility of being upstaged by David Copperfield and stomped around the stage refusing to put on his Mickey Mouse ears. So the "vanishing castle" trick was pulled from the festivities.

The InsidEar

Dear Ethel Martin,

Please don't look for medical advice through Yahoo. I am NOT a doctor . Please do not bother me with your personal problems. May I suggest you try the PHONE BOOK! Besides, I only work on the RIGHT EAR so you are just out of luck.

The InsidEar

Dear Benny,

The People Mover, Space Mountain, The Tiki Room, and many other beloved rides and attraction are part of the new "Disney Vault" management concept being tested at Disney theme parks around the world. Instead of pouring millions of dollars into research to build new innovative attractions, Disney management has discovered that it is very cheap to close them down for a few years and simply dust them off and reopen them a few years later. This way they can claim to be satisfying consumers request (to reopen these rides) without actually having to build anything new! Just be patient, they will show up again.

The InsidEar