May 2005
Mary Poppins, the Never-Ending Parade, Handicap-Free Zones, the Buzzword is "Throughput", the DisEnchanted Tiki Room, a New DCA Park, and a Morgue in Disneyland?

It's a bird, it's a plane, no it's Mary Poppins!

The InsidEar has just received a great report from "Deep Mouse" direct from Team Disney Anaheim. Look for more then just Tinkerbell flying overhead at Disneyland this summer. In addition to Tink's nightly flights, some characters will be flying down from the Matterhorn during the day, including Mary Poppins, Peter Pan, Chernabog, and what is sure to be my favorite -- Buzz Lightyear, who will be flying up to the Matterhorn with his jet pack on full blast!

One more "character" will be used for special media events such as the 50th anniversary celebration on July 17. At precisely 10:10 a.m. Micheal Eisner himself will fly down from the Matterhorn, spreading pixie dust over the crowds below. Amazing! You've got to give credit to the entertainment division for this one -- most people agree will be well worth the price of admission just to see Eisner strung up on a wire.

The Never-Ending parade

The InsidEar has recently uncovered a plot by the entertainment division to introduce a new type of parade as part of Disneyland's 50th anniversary celebration. This will be a "Never-Ending" character parade celebrating Eisner's 20 years with Disney. Small groups of characters from such hits as Treasure Planet, Atlantis, and Home on the Range will be released at the start of the "it's a small world" parade route every 10-15 minutes. The characters will make their way through Fantasyland and down Main Street. When they reach the parade exit, they will enjoy a brief break before being bussed backstage to appear at the start of the route all over again -- hence the parade that never ends! This parade will run daily from 10 a.m. until closing, and is expected to prevent crowds from clogging pathways as they often do in the hour or so before a parade starts. It is also hoped that with a never-ending parade, guests won't even stop to watch, since the parade will pass them repeatedly during the day. Several cast members have expressed their approval of the plan, in particular because it should bring an end to annoying guest questions about "what time the 7 o'clock parade starts."

Handicap-Free Zones

The number one complaint received at Disneyland's city hall is that the lines at some attractions are just way too long, especially in the summertime. Matt Omelet and friends have been studying this problem and have come to a surprising conclusion -- wait times are being artificially lengthened by the extra time it takes to accommodate handicapped people. For example, the Doom Buggies in the Haunted Mansion are put in a special "creep mode" to allow guests who need assistance to enter and exit ride vehicles, and this slows the entire Haunted Mansion queue. Other rides are affected in a similar manner.

Starting on May 5, the entrance to every major attraction will feature a neon sign displaying a wheelchair inside a red circle with a line through it. When these signs are lit, it will indicate that the ride is operating as a "Handicap-Free Zone" and people who require accommodation will simply not be allowed to enter the attraction at that time. Guest will be given a handicap schedule when they enter the park, and if they plan their day just right they will still be able to enjoy some of their favorite rides.

Non-disabled guest will also be able to plan their day to coincide with Handicap-Free Zones and avoid times when queues are particularly slow. It will be a simple matter to remember, for example, that between 2 and 4 you should avoid riding the Haunted Mansion unless you want to experience the attraction when it is almost constantly in creep mode. It is expected that this new policy will also provide a lot of extra work for the company's legal department and for cast members in the newly enlarged City Hall, and that it will generate a lot of newspaper publicity.

The buzzword is "Throughput"

Throughput, Throughput, Throughput: The buzz word at Team Disney is "throughput". The question is "how can we squeeze more guests through the rides." The Handicap-Free Zones are part of management's solution, but even before they are implemented the first order of business will be to simply speed things up a bit. Major rides like PTOC and the HM (that's InsidEar talk for Pirates of the Caribbean and Haunted Mansion -- if you really want to impress people with your knowledge of Disneyland use a lot of acronyms) can be sped up 50-100% without difficulty. Many rides can have their capacity doubled by piggybacking two or more ride vehicles. For example, when operating as a Handicap-Free Zone with ride vehicles piggybacked, IASW ("it's a small world") can double both it's capacity and speed for an increase from 3,000 guests/hour to a whopping 12,000 guests/hour! The Jungle Cruise is just as fun at twice the speed, and fast-talking skippers seem even funnier. The Mark Twain has always been a bit pokey, so a shorter trip should be welcomed by guests. And would anybody really mind if Star Tours or Big Thunder Mountain Railroad was sped up by 50%? The wait for tables at the Blue Bayou should also be greatly improved by 50% smaller portion sizes. The jury is still out on the planned high-speed Tiki Room, but even so, you should see lots of happy guests this summer with short, fast-moving lines throughout the park.

In other news...

Look for general speedups in other areas of the park. The InsidEar has just received a tip that the skaters from the various retired "Disney on Ice" shows have recently been contracted by the "Zoo" (Disneyland's character division). So look for your favorite characters zooming by on inline skates. As an added bonus, even walking characters no longer will be required to stop and mingle with children or sign autographs (see photo at right). This will really help speed them along! Rumors of a high-speed street show featuring an all-princess roller-derby team are, as of press time, unverified.

The DisEnchanted Tiki Room

Guest are storming city hall with complaints about the Enchanted Tiki Room rehab. "It's just horrible what they have done to the beloved Tiki Room experience," one guest complained. "They look so lifelike that all of the magic of audioanimatronics is just wasted." It seems that the folks at Disney have crossed a line known as "the uncanny valley," the limit at which robots seem too lifelike thus creating an eerie Twilight Zone feeling (for examples, see the computer-animated humans in The Polar Express or any performance by Keanu Reeves). For years visitors have enjoyed the clicking of plastic beaks, an occasional pneumatic hiss, and the clacking sounds as the tikis chanted. It gave guests great pleasure to enjoy the obviously artificial birds coming to "life" (reminiscent of Pinocchio). However, the new birds are nearly realistic but still have an unquantifiable "not real" feel, such that the overwhelming effect is of having deceased birds stuffed and somehow brought back to life! Quite a morbid feeling indeed. Look for a rehab of this rehab soon.

A new DCA park?

Attendance has improved so much at DCA this last year that it has been decided to add a new gate at the Disneyland resort. This is a great move considering that DCA recently has been faced with crowds of literally hundreds of people nearly every day! Beginning in May, when you shell out your $60 for a visit to DCA you will be asked if you prefer "North" or "South". No this is not a reference to the Civil War -- the ticket booth attendant just needs to know if you plan to spend your day in Disney's "Northern" California Adventure or Disney's "Southern" California Adventure. When you consider that all management has to do to create this "new" theme park is put up a barbed wire fence down the middle of DCA, you can see that this will be an instant money maker. Eisner called the plan "ingenious".

A morgue in Disneyland?

Disneyland fights back! In an effort to halt the city of Anaheim's threat of eminent domain (see April's report), Disneyland is moving ahead with it's plans to incorporate and become a city unto itself. To complete this move, they will need to build a hospital (by improving the First Aid station to a level I trauma center), a morgue (located in a crypt at the Haunted Mansion), and a school system (Educational videos to be shown between "Honey I Shrunk the Audience" performances) on the Disney resort property. The park already has a city hall and a fire station, and several locations are being considered for a post office. After incorporation, Disneyland will no longer have to pay property taxes to the county and will keep a portion of the sales tax on every item sold. If this move is successful, Walt Disney World will be applying for statehood.

InsidEar apology

The InsidEar regrets accidentally leaking the name of Imagineer Jim Morrison last month when he agreed to speak to us anonymously. It is hoped that now he is free of his employment restrictions he will have more time to let us in on the "good stuff". How about it Jim?

Answers to your questions

Q: We would love to say "Hi" to you when you are at Disneyland, but how can we recognize you since we have never seen you?

A: Easy! Since the InsidEar operates anonymously, I will be the person you don't know!

Q: I don't know a lot of people, can't you give me a better clue?

A: The InsidEar must operate anonymously since many of our reports involve behind-the-scenes covert operations. However as a "Secret Sign" to my many dear readers, the InsidEar will be the guy wearing his Mickey Mouse hat with the ears on the inside!!! ("Inside Ear" -- get it!).

Q: That's great, but how do you put it on your head?

A: Easy! I just turn it inside out! Look for "raEdisnI" written on the hat. (I really hope that Disneyland Security folks aren't reading read this column today!)

Well, that's going to wrap it up for this month.

See you at Disneyland!

The InsidEar