March 2005
Accident on Pirates of the Caribbean,"it's a small world" After Dark, AQMD Woes, Everyone's Favorite Attraction to Reopen, Mailbag

Ready for this month's update? Get yourself a stack of "Donald Duck" pancakes and slather on the "I can't believe it's not margarine." Oh yeah, and don't forget the extra large glass of OJ. This month we have some great (and some not so great) news for you! Let's Go!

Pirates of the Caribbean -- The night cleaning crew accidentally bumped into Captain Blackbeard while waxing and buffing the deck of the pirate ship Wicked Wench. There was extensive damage to the animatronic figure and, as one witness reports, "A lot of white smoke and the smell of something electrical burning." The extent of the damage to the floor buffer is not known. In an attempt to hide the damage, the quick-thinking maintenance crew brought in the Abraham Lincoln figure recently retired from the Main Street Opera House (both the Captain and Lincoln figures are Mark IV models and therefore completely interchangeable). A quick costume change and the deed was done.

They almost got away with it, too. That is until a sharp eyed (sharp eared?) guest asked a cast member why the ship's Captain was reciting the Gettysburg address. Rumors that the figure tried to set the women from the "buy a bride" scene free are unverifiable.

Beginning mid March, guest will be able to enjoy a completely new show inside "it's a small world" every evening after dark. The ride will be shut down for three hours each day beginning just before dusk to give cast members time to swap out the 42,638 animated dolls with their skeletal counterparts. Six hundred gallons of green slime will fill the waterway, and colorful barrels featuring the works "Danger Toxic Waste" (in languages from around the world) will appear in the various continents. In the background, crumbling smokestacks will belch out thick, black, licorice-scented smoke while the children of the world play in industrial waste. Everything will positively glow under a new black light system, and the catchy "it's a fouled world" song will have guests humming for the rest of the evening. A full-scale mockup of a nuclear reactor meltdown provides an unforgettable climax to this adventure.

For many years Disneyland has struggled to remain compliant with South Coast Air Quality Management District's guidelines. However, this year allowable airborne pollutant levels have been increased by 20%, making it impossible for Team Disney to operate certain attractions at full capacity until extensive modifications can be made. Some immediate changes: Autopia cars will be replaced by modified golf carts. Sailing Ship Columbia will run under full sail. Parking lot trams will be mothballed and visitors "invited" to walk from their cars to the park entrance as part of "Mickey's new fitness plan." The Disneyland Railroad will make only three trips around the park a day, and the Casey Jr. Circus Train will be pulled by adorable ponies. Additional changes will be made to the already lower-polluting fireworks show. Disneyland will continue to use its new "Air Launch" system for clean fireworks launches, but the nighttime display will be replaced with daytime "fireworks" that will shower confetti over the heads of delighted guests. No gunpowder, no smoke -- this may very well be the air-quality breakthrough Team Disney has been looking for (pending approval of the cleaning crew union).

Matt Omelet has pulled out all stops to get everybody's favorite attraction up and running by July 17. New track has been laid and the ride will be tested 24/7 until it passes inspection. "The public demands their favorite classic rides, and we will strive to bring them back any way we can," said Kathy, a parking lot attendant. "I'm glad it's coming back. I just can't imagine Disneyland celebrating it's 50th without the Superspeed Tunnel," commented a cast member hiding in the shadows of the as-yet unopened attraction and asking to be referred to only as "Deep Mouse." This will be the biggest rehab to hit the Disneyland Railroad since the spectacular orchestrated destruction of the Viewliner. "Those old dinosaurs looked as if they had been there a million years. It was time to inexpensively bring the Railroad into the 20th century," said Michael Eisner. "Walt would be so proud!" There is no news as of yet whether the classic or "World of Tron" Superspeed Tunnel will be used.

Now let's take a look in the InsidEar mailbag...

Look at the time, I guess that's all of the letters we can run today!

See you at Disneyland!

~The InsidEar