February 2005
Sleeping Beauty's "mini" Tower of Terror, Plus SHAREpass, and a 3D Pixar Ride for DCA!

The InsidEar is pleased to offer a first hand report on the best kept Disneyland secret of this summer: a brand new attraction due to open for the park's 50th anniversary celebration. In just a moment we will take you through a preview ride on Sleeping Beauty's "mini" Tower of Terror, but first a quick overview of how this attraction came to be.

In an effort to increase park profit and safety and reverse declining attendance (and his declining popularity), Michael Eisner put together a crack team of lawyers and accountants to create a plan for the parks future. This somewhat self-serving project quickly became known as Disneyland's Ultimate Master Blueprint (or D.U.M.B.) to park insiders. Even so, given his goals it was logical for Eisner to put together this type of team, due to the fact that his hand-selected professionals have clear insights into financial and legal issues that simply would not occur to artists and Imagineers. The team was voted in last spring by Disney's Strategic Action Planning team (or S.A.P. -- rumored to collect $100,000+ annual paychecks for simply agreeing with anything Eisner says) and the motion was seconded by the company's Yearlong Apprentice Program interns (or Y.A.Ps, whose $50,000/year is contingent on their agreeing with S.A.P.) and, unsurprisingly, approved by Eisner himself!

The very first attraction produced by under the D.U.M.B. plan was the addition of Sleeping Beauty's "mini" Tower of Terror. Remember all of those tarps around the castle just a few months ago? While the mainstream press was reporting a new paint job, little did they know that a complete rebuild was taking place inside the tower and under the castle itself. In just a few short weeks, the Otis Elevator company installed a system 1337 model in the castle's tallest tower. This new elevator is capable of dropping a group of 25 people a distance of 12 feet in just under 3 minutes. (At this point I need to remind our disappointed "thrill seeker" readers that this ride is aimed at 5 year olds.)

This attraction is already in its final testing phase and I had the privilege of previewing it on Thursday evening, January 13. I snuck in by mingling with a group of invited reporters and when questioned I simply said I was Hal Klutz from MouseTime.com. The ride's entrance is the same as the old Sleeping Beauty Castle walkthrough attraction -- a short walk up a few steps and then down a long hallway decorated with dungeon type "rocks" made from painted foam rubber. The flickering torches are a nice touch, but the industrial florescent safety lights somewhat spoil the effect. As the narrator tells the story of Sleeping Beauty, you are ushered into a round room with no windows and no doors. The voice explains that Sleeping Beauty was to never enter this part of the Castle because there is "No Way Out!". Suddenly, the door slides shut and the floor starts to slowly sink, causing the room to appears to stretch. In a few minutes the floor stops moving and the door reopens. Sleeping Beauty's voice bids you to follow her, "This is the only way out. Hurry, hurry!" Down another hallway you are led, then up the stairs, and out the secret exit to "freedom" (i.e., the toy shop).

I have to hand it to the planning committee, this ride is a much needed addition to Fantasyland (which has not had a new attraction since 1982's glorious waste-receptacle semi-redesign) and it will help soak up the Summer crowds. Every preschooler will want to visit this castle at least once! And detractors will no longer be able to say that Disneyland has lost it's heart and soul because at it's very core lies an empty castle, seemingly no more important then an empty festival area or flameless burning cabin.

Monumental as this news is, it's not all I have to report this month. Not by a long shot.

This month at the annual shareholders meeting, a replacement for the old FASTPASS program is expected be announced. Everyone knows that Disneyland ride and attraction lines are still much too long and that the FASTPASS system has been a complete failure. S.A.P is in the process of implementing their new plan called SHAREpass, which is currently being tested on the following attractions: Honey I Shrunk the Audience, Fantasyland Theater, Storybook Land Canal Boats, and The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. The new SHAREpass system assigns Walt Disney Company shareholders (a.k.a. "the real owners of the parks") a place in a given line according to how many shares of Disney stock they own. If you own 1,000 shares you can instantly bypass people with only 500 shares. If you own 15,000 shares you will be given the VIP treatment and instantly escorted to the front of the line! If you have a Gold SHAREpass, a guest of your choice will be immediately removed from the ride to instantly give you a seat! The best part about this new system is that it is absolutely fair to every visitor at the park. The status of daytime visitors (or "noholders") DOES NOT CHANGE! They are given a pass card marked with a black stripe, entitling them to enter each attraction queue at the end of the line! Since this is the same status regular visitors have enjoyed for years, no complaints are expected. Annual Pass holders (who often visit after work and are short on time) will be given a card with a gray stripe and allowed to enter the attractions ahead of the daytime visitors. This is expected to be very popular with Annual Pass holders. To balance the system somewhat, Annual Pass holders who brag to regular visitors about their special status will be ejected from the park. This is expected to be very popular with cast members.

Eisner was overheard to comment on the new SHAREpass system, "This is the real world, [daytime visitors] should get a life! What do they think this is -- some sort of fantasyland?"

Breaking News: The InsidEar has the inside scoop on the new Disney/Pixar 3D attraction for DCA first rumored on BennyHillMedia.com. As a fitting tribute to the failed Disney animation department, Eisner has greenlighted a fantastic new attraction based on Home on the Range, Disney's final contribution to this (quoting a company internal memo) "dead and prematurely cremated" art form. In Home on the Range: Lost Our Lease you can say one final goodbye to your old pals Maggie, Mrs. Caloway, Grace, Wesley, Rusty, Buck, Slim, Junior, Rico, The Willie Brothers, Jeb, Sheriff, Pearl, Audrey, Ollie, Piggies, Larry, Lucky Jack, Barry, and Bob. To add excitement to these very flat 2D characters Disney is working closely with Pixar to develop a 3D effect that can be truly appreciated only while wearing special glasses. The most touching part of the show will be the final scene in which all of the characters are waving goodbye amid a shower of animators' pink slips. At the attraction's exit will be a "boot hill" style graveyard with the names of unemployed animators on the tombstones in clever rhyme (e.g., "Here lies Ethel, a former inker, thinks that Eisner's, a total stinker").

Well, that should wrap it up for this month, see you at Disneyland!

~The InsidEar