September 30, 2005
Rejected
During a recent research trip to the Disney
archives (after hours, using the little-known secret emergency tunnel), InsidEar came upon a letter that might be of particular
interest to Disney fans. We reproduce it below without comment.
Dear Walter
The
Walt Disney Company
September 2005
Dear Walter,
Thank you so much for submitting your application
for the position of C.E.O. Of the Walt Disney Company.
We have carefully reviewed your qualifications and unfortunately are not able
to offer you this position for the following reasons:
Educational profile: Your
application shows that you completed grammar school and dropped out of art
school at age 16. You have no higher education, aside from several honorary
degrees of dubious value.
Psychological Profile: Our
standard battery of pre-application tests indicate that you spend long periods
of time with "imaginary friends" -- mice, ducks, dogs, etc. You also
have a tendency to focus overmuch on insignificant project details that nobody
is going to notice and insist on perfection in certain areas (e.g.,
maintenance) when studies show that customers will tolerate much lower levels
without significant reduction in transmission of capital.
Experience Profile: Your application shows
that you headed "Iwerks-Disney Commercial
Artists," an entertainment company which failed in short order. Your next
venture, "Laugh-O-Grams, Inc.," ended in bankruptcy. You had some
success with the "Oswald the Lucky Rabbit" character, but did not
exercise due diligence during the contract phase and lost all rights to the
character. Your Snow White and the Seven
Dwarfs was completed, but ran significantly over budget, and you showed a
lack of regard for company stakeholders by investing so heavily in a project
that was almost universally decried as doomed to failure. In addition, your
dislike and distrust of labor unions and preference for a "family"
feeling in the corporate office just is not in tune with the realities of
corporate America.
Here
at the Walt Disney Company we are looking for leaders who have attended the
right schools and have experience in both the legal issues and accounting
techniques that are the sole basis for all executive-level decisions. A company
CEO must know how to work with a forceful, executive air and wear Armani
suites. Creativity in the sense of drawing cute pictures of mice on steamboats is
not a factor in our company's future. For example, sequels to high-grossing
films generate nearly as much revenue as original films with only half of the capital
expenditure. You have been quoted in the press as saying, "I've never
believed in doing sequels. I didn't want to waste the time I have doing a
sequel; I'd rather be using that time doing something new and different." This
type of attitude will not get you anywhere in the entertainment industry. Audiences
want familiar faces and innocuous music. We want characters that can be
featured on Happy Meals and repurposed for television.
Although your qualifications fall far short of
what is needed in a Walt Disney Company CEO, our Human Resources Director has
suggested that your personality profile makes you a perfect candidate to work
as a "greeter" at your local Wal-Mart.
Thank you for your application,
The Walt Disney Company
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