May 9, 2005
Disney Sues Disney over Eisner and Iger

Roy E. Disney and Stanley Gold filed a lawsuit against The Walt Disney Company on Monday, alleging that the recent election of a successor for the company's retiring CEO was tainted by lies, corruption, back-stabbing, secret behind-closed-doors deals, inbreeding, ill will, and various other Eisnerisms.

The Disney company was quick to respond to these allegations. "The company's board did nothing illegal in the election of Robert Iger as Michael Eisner's replacement," said a company spokesperson. "Even the concept that someone would go to court saying that the CEO search process was 'fixed' and that Mr. Eisner hand-picked his successor for rubber stamping by the board are hilarious. Who would sue Disney because Mr. Eisner and the board did something like that? It's like suing the sky for being blue. Of course the whole thing was rigged. What's the big surprise? Do these people even know who they're talking about?"

Later in the day, the Disney company spokesperson's replacement issued a revised statement: "I would like to clarify some remarks made earlier today which may have been misinterpreted by some less knowledgeable listeners. Under the father-like leadership of Michael Eisner, The Walt Disney Company has had a long tradition of making executive decisions based not on the whims of some disorganized group of random 'shareholders,' but on the wisdom of the company's chief executive. True, the occasional mistake might have cost the company more money than it took to put two high-tech research robots on the planet Mars, and it may have cost that much several times over, but who can put a price on this kind of leadership?"

Putting the final nail in the coffin, the company's third replacement spokesperson of the day reminded reporters that, "Michael Eisner is unique among American executives. I think we should all keep in mind that not long ago, at a shareholder meeting heavily covered by the press, Mr. Eisner received an unprecedented 55% approval rating from shareholders. How often does even the President of the United States have an approval rating that high? Really, there is nobody who can replace him, so why should the company waste a lot of resources searching for something that doesn't exist? By interviewing even one candidate from outside the company the board went much farther than they needed to, and the fact that Mr. Eisner took time out of his busy schedule to attend that interview and help the candidate with her answers shows how interested he was in the process."

When asked if her comments were in any way influenced by the presence of Michael Eisner, standing directly behind her on the podium with his hand gripping her shoulder, the spokesperson said, "No, of course not" and called the conference to a quick end.

Asked what he thought of the pending suit, outgoing CEO Michael Eisner said, "It's just petty grumblings from a couple of men who have no concept of what it takes to run a large entertainment company. A long search for a CEO would have damaged the company's image and made us look weak and indecisive. The entertainment industry is all about appearances, and we all have to stand behind our product and be proud of everything it stands for."

When asked if he would put on a pair of the new Disneyland "golden mouse ears" so that reporters could take a photo of him celebrating the original Disneyland's 50th anniversary, Eisner rolled his eyes and said simply, "Don't be stupid."