April 19, 2005
Michael Eisner "Miffed" at Choice of New Pope

The election of Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger as Pope Benedict XVI has apparently annoyed The Walt Disney Company's lame-duck CEO Michael Eisner. At a press conference earlier today, Eisner said that he was "miffed at the Cardinals' hasty decision" and "hoped that they would reconsider."

"The Catholic Church is a global enterprise," said Eisner. "It's a business as much as it is a religious institution, and it needs a leader with a lot of business sense. Considering the current transitioning of my duties with Disney and my upcoming availability, I think that the Cardinals should have taken a closer look at my qualifications."

According to Eisner, the current Catholic Church has a great deal in common with the Walt Disney Company. "They're both global organizations with a strong sense of moral value that were started by a charismatic leader," said Eisner. "It's a time of change and crisis for the Church, just as it was for Disney some decades ago when I took its helm. The Church needs a leader who can take it into the future, manage its assets, and maintain its positive public image. If the Church doesn't take positive steps soon, it will be ripe for a hostile takeover." Eisner also noted that his age is no barrier to the position, since Popes are always "old guys."

Eisner indicated his doubt about whether the Pope-selection process was legitimate. "I think they had intended to Popify Cardinal Ratzinger all along," said Eisner. "There was no real search."

Among Eisner's suggestions for the Church should they "come to their senses" and elect him Pope:

• A massive publicity campaign featuring TV versions of great Christian entertainment like The Hunchback of Notre Dame and a computer-animated Jesus Christ Superstar.
• Go for the big potential conversion audience with targeted advertisements like, "Catholicism: Lobster, cheeseburgers, one set of dishes, and forgiveness" and "Why be Mormon?"
• More of a focus on exploiting the Church's assets. The Vatican library, for example, should start charging membership fees and loaning books.
• Although a great many films have been made of some of the Church's famed literature, there is still plenty of room for direct-to-video features and sequels. Wouldn't everyone like to know what happened to Lot's daughters? Or what if it turned out that Lazarus came back from the dead but was a Zombie? There's tons of potential.
• Less expensive churches. Cathedrals can be built for much less money by using prefabricated materials and modular designs. Also, priests can be given a couple of weeks of seminars and lots of on-the-job training instead of all those costly years in seminary.
• More of an emphasis on "crowd pleasing." Be more accepting of weeping icons, etc.
• Sell indulgences on eBay.
• Dancing in church, more singing, and maybe even rapping in Latin should be tried to bring in the kids.
• Encourage more kids to become priests and nuns with some kind of "heroic holy men" cartoon show.
• Get some new relics.
• Fire all of those old, out-dated monks.
• Collectable communion wafers.
• Quit highlighting Christmas's less commercial aspects. Emphasize Easter while glossing over the depressing parts of Good Friday.
• Trademark the saints and aggressively exploit the Church's brands.
• Celebrity guest priests.
• Multimedia confessions.

During the press conference's question and answer period, a reporter for the L'Osservatore Romano asked Eisner if he thought his being Jewish might be a barrier to his election as Pope. Said Eisner, "Like I said, this is about business as much as religion. Besides, Jesus was Jewish, and he did okay, right up until the end."

The SaveChristianity.com Web site, set up specifically to see that Eisner never becomes Pope, had this to say about the recent election: "Whew!"