March 9, 2005
Disney Acquires Rights to Pearls Before Swine Comic

In a mid-morning press release the Walt Disney Company announced that it had acquired the film and marketing rights to the characters in Stephan Pastis' cult-sensation daily comic strip, Pearls Before Swine.

The comic strip -- which features a moronic pig, a self-centered rat, frequently devoured zebras, and jokes about death, stupidity, and the handicapped -- might seem like a poor fit for a company that is best known for light comedy and unassuming sequels to fifty-year-old classics. However, after the success of Lilo and Stitch, edgy humor is being seen as the wave of the future, and Disney wants to make sure they don't miss the boat.

"We made a mistake with the Power Rangers," said a Disney spokesperson on condition of not being quoted. "We should have purchased them before they were popular or while they were popular, not after nobody cared about them. At the time, that didn't seem like a big concern, but it has turned out to be somewhat significant. This time we're purchasing the property while pretty much nobody cares about it and plan to have it in theaters, on shirts, and flying over the Thanksgiving Day Parade within three years."

Said artist Pastis of the deal, "The money -- the money! My god, look at the money!!!"

The press release noted that the characters were perfectly designed for computer animation. The first cartoon featuring Pearls Before Swine characters will be a remake of the classic "Steamboat Willie." Again quoting the press release, "'Steamboat Willie' is a perfect vehicle for Pearls. It has a simple plot, is mildly violent, and features cruelty to animals." "Steamboat Rat" will be rushed into production and released in theaters as a short subject paired with Chicken Little, Disney's first computer animated film that wasn't Dinosaur or Tron.

The only thumb in the oinkment came in the form of a statement from the National Consortium of Animal Protectionists. Said a spokesperson, "I just don't think Disney needs to be supporting a comic strip that's all about abusing animals. Sure, it's really, really funny, but does that make it right?" The organization suggests that you write to your local newspaper repeatedly and complain until something happens. Oddly enough, Pearls Before Swine Fans International asks that you do the same thing.