February 7, 2005
Hong Kong Fire Ants

Construction of Disneyland's newest theme park in Hong Kong had to be temporarily halted after workers discovered a nest of red fire ants near the park's entrance. Red fire ants are hostile insects with a nasty sting that can cause painful, itchy, oozing, body-wide blisters and violent nausea, and may be fatal to humans and corporate executives alike. Since the initial discovery, underage day laborers at the park have discovered another 576 fire-ant nests connected by a network of underground corridors (or "utilidors") used by the insects to move waste, supplies, and personnel throughout the Disney property without being detected.

An internal Disney memo leaked to the press hinted at the extent of the problem. It indicated that the publicity department is encouraging media contacts not to say that the fire ants are chasing or attacking cast members or guests. Instead, it should be said that the invaders are, "chasing after food."

Disney's initial plan was to exterminate the pests, but protests were lodged both by the Chinese government (red ants are the country's official insect) and by animal rights groups in the United States (who demanded that the ants be carefully and peacefully relocated to a comparably themed area). Both groups agreed that Disney was within its rights to protect its property and guests from the insects, however.

In the hope of driving out or starving the insects without angering special interest groups, Disney has made the following adjustments to the park, all of which will remain in place until the ants are no longer present (likely some time in 2008).

• Workers will be given ant-resistant footwear and instructed to tuck their pant legs into their boots. When the park opens, the footwear will be distributed to guests and specially designed ant-proof strollers and wheelchairs will be available.
• All plants will be replaced by ant-inpalatable artificial ones. No food will be sold or allowed in the park.
• Hundreds of Australian giant anteaters and an entire platoon of Chinese military pangolins will be released onto the grounds to naturally combat the threat.
• Each of Hong Kong Disneyland's themed lands will be separated by an eight-foot-deep trench filled with flaming gasoline to prevent ant migration.

"This is not the disaster that the media and Internet chat have made it out to be," said Ma Yi Wong, spokesperson for Hong Kong Disneyland. "Really, it is not anything like the piranha found in the waters of Disneyland Brazil [abandoned in 1998]. We still expect to meet our September opening date and doubt that guests will even notice these few minor inconveniences, particularly when they will be so busy enjoying the park's wonderful parade, it's costumed character, and as many as five rides and attractions."