January 24, 2005
Honda and Disneyland Join Forces

Disneyland announced that it has entered into a quasi-perpetual sponsorship agreement with international motor manufacturing giant Honda. Under the terms of the contract, Honda products will be featured in a number of areas of Disneyland, in exchange for significant financial investment (most of which will go toward paying the 2005 annual meeting heating bill, partially covering what is expected to be a very large upcoming executive exit bonus, and repairing areas of the park that were not visited by maintenance during the last ten years).

This Honda sponsorship will affect a number of areas of Disneyland. Product placements and other sponsored tie-ins will include:

• Full-size hybrid vehicles for Autopia.
• The engines of Main St. vehicles replaced with innovative Honda fuel-cell engines, allowing higher acceleration and greater top speed with no toxic emissions only a small chance of massive hydrogen explosion.
• A new nighttime spectacular in which fireworks will be launched from Honda vehicles driving throughout the park (much of which will be off limits to guests for safety reasons).
• Modified versions of Honda's state-of-the-art robot ASIMO ("America Sees Its Manufacturing Outsourced") replace certain "non-face" meet-and-greet Disney characters. Careful observers will be able to tell ASIMO characters from human-based ones by their slow gate, short stature, crushing weight, giant backpack, weird humming noise, and inability to get up after being knocked down by a bratty kid.
• Honda leaf blowers replacing maintenance's old-fashioned brooms and dustpans.
• Grad Nites sponsored by Honda, with a new Honda vehicle given to each and every visiting student who makes it through the night polite, alert, and sober. It is estimated that in 2005 alone as many as five Grad Nite vehicles may be given away.
• An increased Honda presence in Innoventions, including vehicle test drives and the chance to "Indian wrestle" ASIMO.
• ASIMO may also appear in Tomorrowland replacing the Star Tours robot pilot for a much safer, gentler, more predictable ride.
• New Main Street Opera House show, "Great Moments with Honda President and CEO Takeo Fukui."
• A new sports car every week for Michael Eisner, with old cars discarded and told that they're worthless and out of date, and that the public doesn't want them any more.
• Disney will destroy the master prints of Pearl Harbor (not because it involves a Japanese attack, but because it's just so embarrassing).