Tom Sawyer Pirate Update

I've received copious e-mails from people who just can't believe the story about Tom Sawyer Island getting a Captain Tom Sawyer pirate overlay. Really, it's not all that incredible. In fact, it's pretty much what Mark Twain intended.

If I may quote from chapter 8 of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer (with bold added so you can skip most of it if you're feeling lazy):

Tom presently began to drift insensibly back into the concerns of this life again. What if he turned his back, now, and disappeared mysteriously? What if he went away -- ever so far away, into unknown countries beyond the seas -- and never came back any more! How would she feel then! The idea of being a clown recurred to him now, only to fill him with disgust. For frivolity and jokes and spotted tights were an offense, when they intruded themselves upon a spirit that was exalted into the vague august realm of the romantic. No, he would be a soldier, and return after long years, all war-worn and illustrious. No -- better still, he would join the Indians, and hunt buffaloes and go on the warpath in the mountain ranges and the trackless great plains of the Far West, and away in the future come back a great chief, bristling with feathers, hideous with paint, and prance into Sunday-school, some drowsy summer morning, with a blood-curdling war-whoop, and sear the eyeballs of all his companions with unappeasable envy. But no, there was something gaudier even than this. He would be a pirate! That was it! now his future lay plain before him, and glowing with unimaginable splendor. How his name would fill the world, and make people shudder! How gloriously he would go plowing the dancing seas, in his long, low, black-hulled racer, the Spirit of the Storm, with his grisly flag flying at the fore! And at the zenith of his fame, how he would suddenly appear at the old village and stalk into church, brown and weather-beaten, in his black velvet doublet and trunks, his great jack-boots, his crimson sash, his belt bristling with horse-pistols, his crime-rusted cutlass at his side, his slouch hat with waving plumes, his black flag unfurled, with the skull and crossbones on it, and hear with swelling ecstasy the whisperings, "It's Tom Sawyer the Pirate! -- the Black Avenger of the Spanish Main!"

So there.

Pirates, pirates, Jedi, princesses, pirates, and pirates

Tom Sawyer, Pirate

The Disney portion of the Internet has been aflutter since rumors sprouted that Disneyland's Tom Sawyer Island would be replaced by a Pirates of the Caribbean-themed attraction. Disney fans protested that Tom Sawyer Island was one of Walt Disney's favorite areas (he had played there as a child), that the reason nobody ever visited the island was that most of it was currently closed/broken/lame, and that it didn't make a heck of a lot of sense to have a Caribbean island surrounded by the Rivers of America.

Well, the Walt Disney Company -- always attuned to the wishes of Disneyland annual passholders and assorted Mouse fanatics -- announced late Monday that they had a solution. They would go ahead with the pirate-theming plans in order to please younger guests who didn't know any form of literature that hadn't been converted into a video game, but they would combine it with the traditional theme, thus making everyone happy.

Expect to see the new Island of Captain Tom Sawyer (pronounced "Tom Soy-arrrr") open in time for the new Pirate movie premier in May of 2007.

New Turnstiles

On one of your daily visits to the Disneyland Resort, you may have noticed that the parks now have new turnstiles at their entrance gates. The new high-tech entrance devices are intended to cut back on ticket and annual-pass fraud by using a complex series of sensors and algorithms to detect guests attempting to enter with ticket media that is not appropriate. Violators are tagged with indelible red dye, similar to that used in explosive dye packs intended to foil bank robberies.

On Sunday evening, a six-year-old girl who was handing all of her party's tickets to the entrance cast member was blasted with red dye (covering her from head to toe and throwing her more than six feet). Cast members reminded her shocked and flabbergasted family that guests are required to hold their own tickets, and that in recognition of the girl's age, the park would not be pressing charges.

Jedi Cutbacks

The Jedi Training Academy began performances at Tomorrowland Terrace this past week. Hoards of young Jedi wannabees crowded for their chance to learn basic lightsaber technique and fight Darth Vader, Darth Maul, and (when crowds are particularly large) Jar-Jar Binks. There were a few glitches in the first performance, as the Jedi who was supposed to choose participants based on their "fullness of the force" refused to choose anyone because he couldn't feel the force emanating from any of the children. The cast member was not present at later performances, and an internal Disney memo announced a policy of never hiring method actors ever again.

Another small problem arose the first day when Darth Maul, wielding an extremely cool looking double-lightsaber created by Imagineering, accidentally lopped one ear off of a kid's Mickey hat. All lightsabers used in the show are now plastic models with no magnetic-field-contained plasma fields or anything else particularly geeky-cool. Bummer!

Year of a Million Dreams Update

As of Monday morning, the "Dream Team" had already given out all 1,000,000 of the Year of a Million Dreams prizes. "We didn't expect them to go so fast," said one cast member, "but it was so fun we just couldn't stop." Management is still trying to decide whether they will change the name of the event to "Week of a Million Dreams" or just hope that nobody notices. In any case, it is much to early to announce next year's "Year of a Million Pirates" campaign.

Princess Fantasy Faire

The Fantasyland Theater has reopened in its new incarnation as the focus of everything princess. Young girls of all ages can now come here to meet a princess, have their hair done, get a new gown, learn how to act like royalty, or hear a princess tell a story. All of this princessly wonderment is available at no charge to guests (unless they want to meet a princess, have their hair done, get a new gown, learn how to act like royalty, or hear a princess tell a story).

The Princess Fantasy Faire opened just in time for an announcement from Disney Marketing that it would be closed and replaced with the Tinker Bell Fairy Fantasy Faire.

New Disney Legends

There was a ceremony on Monday at Walt Disney Studios to formally induct a number of new people into the list of official Disney Legends. This year's inductees include:

• Pecos Bill
• Paul Bunyan
• Babe the Ox
• Sluefoot Sue
• The Killer with a Hook for a Hand

Congratulations, official Disney Legends!

Matterhorn Update

The Matterhorn Bobsleds are set to reopen mid-December. This is right on schedule, even though the conversion of the Abominable Snowman audioanimatronic figure into a Davy Jones figure is taking longer than anticipated.

The Ear is Back

I had to step away from the computer for a few minutes, and what with accidentally kicking the refrigerator and spilling my drink and summer and all, I'm afraid that I let a bit too much time pass between updates. Anyway, sorry about the nine months of silence. I'll try and avoid letting that happen again.

So, skipping everything that happened during that time, here's what's new on the Disney theme-park scene.

Back to the Future

The rising-from-the-ground stage in Tomorrowland has reopened. Gone is Club Buzz and in its place is the old Tomorrowland Terrace. Who knew that they still had all those old decorations around? Long-time fans of Disneyland are pleased to see the stage return to its roots and look forward to many happy evenings of listening to cover bands sing family friendly versions of current hits like "Does Your Chewing Gum Lose Its Flavor," and "Yummy, Yummy, Yummy."

Halloween at Disneyland Resort

Disneyland management decided that with record income, everything in good shape, and Michael Eisner gone the park just isn't inherently scary any more, so they're doing some actual decorating for Halloween this year. Decorations at Disneyland include:

• The floral Mickey at the front of the park has been replaced by a Mickey created entirely out of gourds. A topiary Ferdinand the Bull stands nearby, completing the "Mickey is gourd" (sic.) theme.
• There are decorations all down Main Street, U.S.A., including pumpkins on the lamp posts, pumpkins in the shop windows, a gigantic pumpkin standing where the Christmas tree usually goes (in fact, careful observers will see that the pumpkin has actually crushed the now-flattened tree), pumpkins on building eves and roves, and pumpkin replacing meat in all eateries, to complement the pumpkin-flavored popcorn and churros.
• Next week Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln will return, but he'll be headless and have a pumpkin wearing a stove-pipe hat under his arm.
• The Haunted Mansion has been rethemed as Haunted Mansion Holiday, completely ruining all the ride plusses that were installed a few months ago. Also, this year's decision to fill the Mansion's ballroom with Halloween-themed rubber "'pumpkin" balls for the same of a lame pun might have sounded good on paper, but is just plain sad in reality.
• Big Thunder Ranch has been converted to Alameda Slim's Halloween Roundup. In keeping with the theme, all of the petting zoo goats have been replaced by fainting goats that go stiff and fall over when startled. It's funny to watch them whenever an unattractive person with a belly shirt walks by.

Disney's California Adventure has not escaped what Disney Marketing is calling "Halloweefeever" (for some reason). The sun wheel now sports a domino mask, and the Boudin Bakery tour sports a film featuring the always horrifying Rosie O'Donnell, but the biggest change was made to the Golden Dreams theater. Golden Dreams is now Golden Screams, and instead of showing a film on the history of California starring Whoopie Goldberg (terrifying though it was), it now screens a brand-new feature on the most horrifying moments of California Adventure's past. These include the look on the faces of all the people who stayed in line all night to be the first in the park when it opened, people at mid-day wondering why there was nothing left to do, a complete ride through of Superstar Limo, and much more. Oh, and just for fun, during the month of October the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror will run backwards, ramming loads of guests into the building's ceiling at high speed.

Year of a Million Dreams

The Year of a Million Dreams event has gotten off to a slow start. Rumors have it that, even though the event was promised to be huge, some cutbacks may have to be made. We hear that "Year of Ninety Thousand Dreams, Give or Take a Thousand" shirts and other media are being prepared, just in case.

By the way, one of the big prizes in this contest is a night's stay in Sleeping Beauty's castle. As wonderful as this sounds, keep in mind that the inside of the castle is a bare storage area, infested with rats and spiders. If you win, pack a sleeping bag and get your shots.

Tween to Get "High"

The High School Musical Pep Rally premieres in Disney's California Adventure this week, to entertain teenagers and make adults say, "Huh?"

The Autopia to be Made Sub Standard

The Autopia is now closed. It turns out that the new submarine ride required more space than originally anticipated, so part of the Autopia is being reworked. When it's done, the Autopia will actually pass through the submarine lagoon, possibly in some kind of Holland Tunnel-type affair.

Hairy Matters

Note that the Matterhorn is still closed for the abominable snowman's annual shampoo. It's apparently taking longer than usual because much to the annoyance of Imagineers, the monster is demanding a perm.

Vault Walt

Early this month, Disney's Vault 28 will open in Downtown Disney. The cutting-edge clothing store, themed as a vault of Disney's rarities, will have as its showcase the (simulated) frozen body of a certain Uncle Walt.