Disneyland staffing problems

Those of you who will be visiting Disneyland during the busy holiday season should be aware that the park is still very much in the throes of a staffing crisis. The new "zero tolerance for being even a minute late" policy (referred to by the Human Resources department as "ontimorfiredism") is leading to copious dismissals, and the "minimum wage or bust!" campaign has backfired, causing people to shun Disneyland employment in droves.

In order to make the most of a staff that is stretched thin, Disneyland will, as of December 1, be completely self service on Tuesdays and Thursdays. This means guests will run the attractions, march in the parades, and leave money in an "honor system" basket when taking purchases. Guests who do not like the system can go to City Hall and complain to themselves.

We'll let you know how it works out.

Thanksgiving goof

The InsidEar just received news of a major mix-up at Disneyland. By now you've certainly heard that President Bush "pardoned" a pair of turkeys just before Thanksgiving and sent them to live at Disneyland. After a number of ceremonious duties, they were supposed to take up permanent residence in the Big Thunder Ranch area for the enjoyment of guests. But due to an unfortunate error, that didn't happen.

Don't worry, the turkeys didn't end up as turkey-leg-cart stock -- but they may well end up wishing they had.

Apparently, the turkeys' paperwork was sent to the wrong department, and starting today they are being paid minimum wage to bus tables at Rancho del Zocalo.

In a possibly related story, Disney today announced that a pair of recent high school graduates had taken up permanent residence in Big Thunder Ranch.

Working at Disneyland

The Mouse is currently hiring folks like it’s going out of style, so this might be the time to land your dream job at Disneyland! But before you sign the required waivers and long-term contract, InsidEar wants you to read 20 things you should know about working at the Disneyland Resort.

1. They pay you in Disney Dollars.
2. They still use the 1955 wage scale.
3. Daily park admission is deducted from your pay.
4. Uniforms are called costumes, and you are responsible for maintaining and cleaning your costume, including the official underwear (until recently, “Eisnerwear”).
5. If you are hired as a “head character” (a costumed character with a mask), the upside is that Disney will maintain your costume, but the downside is that you are not allowed to talk. To anyone. Ever. Even on the phone.
6. Disney is so desperate to hire that they no longer pass on an applicant simply on the basis of a hideous appearance. In an unrelated bit of news, custodians and food preparation workers are now “head” characters.
7. Shortest shift: Tinkerbell with her 23-second fireworks performance.
8. Longest shift: Any of the "Audioanimatronic" character's.
9. Employee's discount applies only to leftover food, defective merchandise, souvenirs with a previous year printed on them, and unclaimed stuff in Lost and Found.
10. Employees walk the tracks of all thrill rides at least three times a day picking up trash, and this must be done with care because the cost of stopping a ride to clean it is prohibitive.
11. If you call a guest a “customer” you get slapped in the face.
12. If you don’t know who “Uncle Walt” is, you get assigned to Main Street horse-drawn-carriage shovel duty until someone else makes that mistake.
13. The "Redhead" is not available for private parties (although she was once launched from a cake for an Imagineer’s bachelor party, but that’s a long story).
14. Despite anti-discrimination laws, all Disney princesses are played by women, except for Mulan who is a man on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and alternate Sundays.
15. Be sure to request a specific assignment within the park so that management will have something concrete to deny.
16. Full-time employees are eligible for benefits (shift of 168 hours / week or less is considered part-time).
17. Benefits for full-time employees include half-price weekday park admission, a free collectable pin and lanyard, two churros a week, “Goofy’s Dental Plan,” and unpaid overtime.
18. Asking for time off during the holiday season is one of Disney’s “seven deadly sins” (namely “sloth”). The other sins are Pride, Envy, Gluttony, Dopy, Bashful, and Sleepy.
19. Wearing "Golden Mouse Ears" to your job interview will get you laughed at (albeit respectfully).
20. When you see your first tiny, little paycheck, remember the official employee slogan, “You can’t put a price tag on dreams!”

Cast members, click on the comment link below and add your own helpful hints.

New Disney Theme Parks

Since the overwhelming success of Disneyland Resort's California-themed park, ironically located within driving distance of the very locations it recreates, the new Disney management team has green lighted the creation of several new theme parks which will open around the country over the next few years:

• The Grand Canyon Adventure -- Flagstaff, Arizona
• The Alamo Adventure -- San Antonio, Texas
• Niagara Falls Jungle Cruise -- Somewhere on the border of New York & Canada
• Disney's Salute to Ceder Point -- Sandusky, Ohio
• Disney's Statue of Freedom -- Freedom Island, New York
• Disneywood Studios Park -- Pigeon Forge, Tennessee
• Disney's Lilo and Stitch Volcanic Hulapark -- Maui, Hawaii
• Disney's Utah Adventure -- (location still to be determined)
• Disney's Seven Dwarfs Mining Adventure Camp -- Calico, California
• Disney's Live Alligator Farm -- Swamphampton, Florida
• Disney's 7 flag Adventure Parks -- Various locations throughout U.S.
• Disney's Maine -- Maine

Disney will also be opening Epcot-style international pavilions across the country beginning in 2007. These pavilions will be one- to three-acre "mini theme parks" each themed with the distinct food and architecture of a different country, and full of opportunities to purchase "native" wares from actual inhabitants of the country presented! The tentative lineup at the time of announcement was:

• Disney's Canada Pavilion -- Ottawa, Canada
• Disney's Italy Pavilion -- Venice, Italy
• Disney's Japan Pavilion -- Osaka, Japan
• Disney's Morocco Pavilion -- Marrakech, Morocco
• Disney's China Pavilion -- Beijing, China
• Disney's Norway Pavilion -- Oslo, Norway
• Disney's Germany Pavilion -- Paris, France (it's a long story)
• Disney's Mexico Pavilion -- San Diego, California

On top of all this, there is talk of a new Disneyquest-ish establishment to be opened at Walt Disney World in Florida. The entertainment establishment's tentative title is Disney's Disney World Resort Theme Parks Adventure Complex, and it will include recreations and simulations of buildings and attractions from all over Walt Disney World, including itself.

"Mini Mice"

Few people know that deep under Tomorrowland lies one of the nations largest DNA research labs. For over 25 years the Disney Corporation has been working with DNA splicing various species of mice and has only recently managed to produce Mickeyus Mouskateerium which is a large headed species that closely resembles Mickey and Minnie Mouse. This species is unusual because the animals walk upright and can talk, sing, and dance. Originally conceived as a means of saving production money for their animated features, a new marketing team has unveiled a whole new possibility -- after all, what child wouldn't love a talking, singing & dancing Mickey & Minnie mouse of their very own? To ensure a steady income for the Walt Disney Company (and an a compliance with Disney's family-friendly image), these tiny Mickey and Minnie's will not be able to reproduce on their own. They also eat nothing but special Imagineer-designed "Disney Cheese," which contains special nutrients not found in any natural substance. A large number of "accessories" will also be available for these adorable pets... shoes, hats, anvils, robotic brooms, etc.

A persistent rumor holds that some success has been made with a cloned set of Barbie-sized Disney princesses. They apparently are absolutely adorable but tend to be a bit demanding and too "stuck up" to be a valuable plaything for children. The first attempts at genetically engineered "Goofy" dogs were too horrible to behold and had to be destroyed.

More Movie Tie-Ins To Come

Since the announcement of the reworking of Pirates of the Caribbean in the image of the film of pretty much the same name, there has been a great deal of buzz within the Disney executive offices about the possibility of additional movie tie-ins if this one is well received. It's pretty much agreed that adding Eddie Murphy to the Haunted Mansion would lead to, at best, violent riots, so sights are being set elsewhere.

In particular, they are being set on the upcoming The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe. If this film is as successful as many believe it will be, there is talk about retheming a Disneyland attraction each time one of the films in the series is released. The tentative breakdown is as follows:

• The Lion, The Witch, and the Teacups
• The Magician's Monorail
• The Horse and His Carrousel
• The Walt Disney Story, featuring "Great Moments with Prince Caspian"
• Sailing Ship Dawn Treader
• The Silver Chair Saloon Stage (featuring Prince Rilian and the Hillbillies)
• Star Tours: The Last Battle

We'll be sure to let you know more details as the situation develops!

Pilgrim's Progress -- The Movie

Things have come full circle from the dark days in the 1980's when members of the Southern Baptist churches were banned from Disney theme parks due to their outrageously conservative values. In a bold and unprecedented move Walt Disney Pictures will be releasing the unrelentingly allegorical Pilgrim's Progress -- The Movie next fall with Keanu Reeves in the title role.

While many atheist groups have already voiced their concerns that this film may contain morally objectionable elements that would certainly corrupt their children Walt Disney Productions asserts that the film will appeal to a wide range of audiences. To play up this feature, the will be promoted to Christian groups as a religious film and to other groups as a "delightful walk in the woods" filled with suspense and personal challenges. Even so, Disney has decided to avoid accusations of proselytizing by changing the names of two main characters from Christian and Christina to Chuck and Moisha.

If this film is successful, Disneyland fans can expect a major rehab to the Indiana Jones attraction in the near future and a whole swarm of sequels.

More Buggy Problems

Things only got worse as the InsidEar studied deeper into Disney’s insect problem. It seems that an attack has been made at the very heart and soul of the Disney Empire by those who sit in the ivory towers and count beans. First they fired all of the animators -- a brilliant move which has endeared them to animation fans everywhere -- and now they have infested the W.D.I. (Walt Disney Imagineering) staff with the dreaded Vampire Bug!

These bugs have been allowed to quietly infested the W.D.I. offices. They work quickly, sucking out the brains of their hapless victims. Victims still keep their creative abilities, but are rendered completely unable to actually accomplishing anything without copious amounts of management approval and handholding. One accountant-pleasing side effect is that, since creative new rides and attractions are no longer being built, the company is saving oodles of money, which is expected (by the bean counters) to help Disney keep its status as the #1 operator of theme parks around the world!

What's Bugging You?

Have you ever wondered just what exactly is hiding behind all of the facades around the Disneyland park? This last month the InsidEar explored behind the scenes and made a rather surprising discovery.

It seems that behind all of the properties owned by the Walt Disney Company is a little dark secrets: Beetle Rot!

The culpret? The boring beetle: beatalis eisninoris michaelis lechivorus

This insidious creature certainly lives up to it's name, we observed them for hours and they are as boring as ever. It seems that this subtle infestation began sometime in 1984, and for over 20 years the uninteresting beasties have been quietly destroying the very foundation of the company. A Disney spokesperson dress in full beekeeper’s garb tells us that the company is well aware of the beetles and assures us that they were removed at the end of September. (Apparently, it was a slow process as ASPCA protests made it necessary to relocate the insects to a preserve in Valencia instead of eradicating them.)

However the InsidEar would like to point out that a great deal of damage was done over the years and much of it is going to take many years to fix. At least this will close the book on a very sad chapter of Disney history.

Walt's Strawberry Farm

Negotiations have recently been completed to purchase the area across
from the old Disneyland parking lot (which some refer to as DCA,
whatever that means). This will allow the Walt Disney Company to add
yet another park and to fulfill one of Walt's life long dreams. When
Walt's girls were young he took then to the local Food-O-Rama store
and was was very disappointed with the stacks of fresh produce on
display. Walt was from the midwest and he knew that there was a
better way. His was then determined to build a produce stand where
fathers could take their children and pick the fruit themselves, while
getting their hand dirty in the process. It would be a real live
roadside produce stand right in the heart of the Los Angeles basin.
Unfortunately Walt was already committed to building the "Disneyland"
theme park because his girls so much wanted to meet Mickey Mouse that
these plans got laid aside.

This month the Walt Disney Company has committed themselves to honor
Walt's wish. As this item goes to press, plans are being laid to
create a brand new Disney theme park -- Walt's Strawberry Farm! This
park will be implemented in three year long phases beginning next
summer after the 50th celebration is over.

PHASE 1: Will feature a large dirt parking lot, five acres of
strawberries and a produce shack. Visitors will be directed to the
park with large plywood signs spray painted "Fresh Strawberries
U-Pick-Em!" (this will lend a nice folksy atmosphere to the new park).
Visitors will also enjoy the special Walt's Strawberry Farm jams &
jellies available exclusively at Walt's Stawberry Farm.

PHASE 2: Visitors will want to come back the next summer to see the
new pioneer village. Here they will learn how to card wool, make
horseshoes, quilt and other important skills. Also a real live steam
train will encircle the park, the best part is that the train gets
"robbed" on every trip!

PHASE 3: New attractions will be added that will guarantee returning
visitors. First they will add a mine train ride, then a log ride, a
corkscrew roller coaster and a white water rafting ride! Where else
in Southern California could a family have so much fun!

There is no need to add a phase 4, since by the time a family has
visited 3 years in a row it becomes a much anticipated family outing,
this really simplifies the marketing efforts. The best part about
this new park is that aside from the original land investment it will
not drain funds away from the company. All improvements will be
funded solely by the strawberry sales.

Screaming Saf-Tee-Net(tm) abuse?

The DCA management team is scrambling to deal with the latest O.S.H.A.
reports concerning the California Screaming roller coaster. It seems
that guests are misusing the Saf-Tee-Net(tm) harness system that was
carefully put into place after the last catastrophe on this
attraction. O.S.H.A. reports indicate that these nets are being
"stuffed" with nonessential items such as sunglasses, cell phones and
digital cameras making the nets unavailable for personal use during an
impending disaster. This is a clear sign of a complete failure at the
DCA management level, as guest were not expected to have any valuables
left over after paying the admission price of the park. Starting next
week all guests will be directed to drop off all valuables at Pluto's
Pawn Shop in Downtown Disney in exchange for a handful of Disney
Dollars before entering the park.

Chicken Little

There has been quite a buzz around the halls of Disney regarding their latest feature animated film, Chicken Little. Some are saying it's the best all-CGI feature-lengh cartoon Disney has produced in-house. Others are calling it a wake-up call for people who fall asleep in theaters. And although the jury is still out -- what with only 17% of top film critics having turned in their positive reviews -- there is a strong feeling that Chicken could go down in history, one way or the other!

Some thing, though, are not so subjective and open to debate. For example, take a look at these statistics about the film, taken from yesterday's press release about the movie's spectacular first weekend:

1) Chicken Little is the second Disney feature to be based on one of Walt Disney's original Silly Symphonies (the other was "The Nightmare Before Christmas," based on the award-winning short "Skeleton Dance.")

2) A record number of people were fired to make this film possible.

3) It has the longest all-dialogue joke about pee ever committed on film.

By the way, there is already a buzz in Hollywood that a precident-setting voicework-only best actor Academy Award nomination may be in store for Adam West thanks to his brilliant performance.

I'll have more news as it becomes available!

First Post

There have been big things going on here in the offices of InsidEar. We've shaken things up a bit, and decided to start posting whenever there is news to post instead of waiting until the beginning of the month. In a few days, I'll post the first bit of important Disneyland Resort news to this new blog. Until then, just keep reading this paragraph over and over!